It’s Not Your Fault if He’s Abusive

Domestic Violence on the Rise

 by Marlene Wagner


Are you in an abusive relationship?

  •  Is that new boyfriend controlling?
  • Is he often disrespectful?
  • Is he argumentive?
  • Does he mistreat your pet?
  • Is he always looking at other women?

 These are Red Flags!  These are just a few ways that indicate the potential for abuse in the relationship.

I am a life coach specializing in relationships and communication. I am also an author and have written a book, especially for women that find themselves single again.

Women that are single again have been in relationships and or marriages that didn’t last.  Except for a spouse or significant other dying, relationships end for different reasons.

The marriage or relationship’s biggest reason didn’t go the long haul because they often chose the wrong partner initially.  I blame that on the fact no one ever taught us how to choose well.

Our role models, our mothers, grandmothers, and other influential women around us were making the same mistakes when they were young, and many had unfulfilling marriages and divorces.

For this article, I will use the term marriage, but the information can be applied to any committed relationship.

I’m passionate and committed to helping women find a loving, compatible man of their dreams that will cherish and adore her forever.

My passion for helping women includes teaching them about red flags that help them recognize the potential of an abusive partner.

Abuse is on the rise.  With families and couples in quarantine due to COVID 19, there has been a sharp increase in domestic violence. It’s an added breeding ground for abuse and violence in the homes.

There are more frustrations, arguments, alcohol abuse that too often don’t end well.

 I’m frightened and heartbroken when I hear of yet another tragic outcome from domestic violence. I’m committed to doing all that I can to spare women from living their life this way.

There are different reasons women fall into an abusive relationship. 

  • Low self-esteem believing you don’t deserve better is one.
  • Growing up in abusive environments is a strong indicator because it feels familiar.
  • An intense, immediate attraction to a man ignoring potentional red flags.
  • Not asking the right questions when getting to know someone at the outset.
  • Wearing blinders when you start dating as the potential for abuse leaves signs.

Let’s break down these examples and deal with each one in more debt.

Low self-esteem believing you don’t deserve better.

There are many reasons for low self-esteem.  One of them could be having been raised in a family and household that also had low self-esteem.

Therefore, confidence-building didn’t exist.  These were your role models. 

You learned never to expect much because, after all, who were you?

You never felt worthy or deserving of anything more than what you got, and the cards dealt you.

When you started dating, you weren’t too fussy and pretty much would have whoever would have you.  Often the partner also had low self-esteem but felt powerful with you because he could.

A good combination and breeding ground to develop into abuse.

Another form this can take is if you were raised by parents in which your mother felt she deserved what she got, and your father was demeaning and disrespectful.

It’s psychological abuse. Psychological abuse is as damaging as physical abuse.  In one form, the scars are visible. The other scars are invisible.

Growing up in abusive environments is a strong indicator because it feels familiar. 

All too often, you would become attracted to and take up with an abusive man because it’s what you saw growing up and believe that’s just how marriage is supposed to be.

It feels normal. It’s what you identify with. It’s not uncommon for you to feel you have done something to deserve the abusive treatment.

It’s your fault. Your abuser has you believe you are the problem. You did something that made him angry, and you had it coming.

You hide your condition. You conceal your bruises from others. You’re afraid you will be judged, and people will talk about it behind your back.

You often call the police. They arrest the abuser, and you end up bailing him out because you know if you don’t, he will kill you once he gets out of jail. 

You often end up in the hospital having been badly injured from beatings. But you can’t leave him. You are too afraid. He will find you and kill you or hurt you badly for leaving him.

If you don’t get out of this environment, it often does not end well.

It’s the most tragic of abuse.  No one knows the conditions you’ve been living under. Who do you reach out to for help?

Where can you go? Where can you live? You have no money. How can you survive?

Today more than ever, resources are available to help women safely get away from these situations.

The sooner you get out of these conditions, the better.  Often, it’s later, and sometimes it’s too late, and someone dies. 

An intense, immediate attraction to a man ignoring potentional red flags.

Immediate, intense attractions come with blinders.

You’re not seeing the real person but only that person you are so strongly attracted to. You will do anything to be with them and keep them.

If abusive telltale signs appear, you won’t see them because you’re blinded by what you think is and calling it love.

Often, abuse starts and continues to worsen, but you’ll put up with anything so you won’t lose him. You allude yourself thinking you can change him.

You can fix your problems.

Sometimes one may get lucky and see it for what it is and get out of the relationship before it escalates further.

It still takes caution and suggests getting resources to assist in the exit of this relationship.

As a side note, in any one of the above scenarios, a victim starts to bond with their abuser. This makes leaving incredibly difficult because they have bonded and are dependent on the abuser.

Often this is precisely why a victim will continue to go back to the abuser.

Now on to a lighter side but none the less important. These are just more how to avoid a bad relationship and help if looking for that healthy relationship.

Not asking the right questions when getting to know someone at the outset.

I have a proven way to cut to the chase and learn important information when you first meet a man.

One of the biggest reasons women end up in abusive relationships is they didn’t ask the right questions in the early part of the dating process. 

The right questions and information can avoid a bad relationship before it has a chance to start.

I have created three questions to ask at the very first meeting. I encourage women to have a twenty to a thirty-minute coffee meeting.

It is not a date. Please do not call it a date.

You’ve agreed to meet a man for coffee to determine if there is any interest in getting to know him better.

It is during this coffee meeting I have three important questions to ask.

If you want to learn more about the right questions and know before you go forward with a man, there is interest. See my blog,  Find the Man You’ve Been Waiting For.

Wearing blinders when you start dating as the potential for abuse leaves signs.

This one is subtle, so I ask you to pay attention as the potential for abuse always leaves signs.  Signs you can miss if not paying attention.

Women are notorious for excusing bad behavior. These are the exact signs that you want to pay attention to.

This is not always an indicator of abuse but signs of a relationship that would not be a healthy one.

You’re dating and like him.  You seem to have good things in common, and all seems to go well.

However, occasionally things happen that leave a little hurt or what I call a pinch.  Something didn’t exactly feel good.

It could be a moment of disrespect or harsh words criticizing something you did or said. It could be a sudden display of anger that took you by surprise.

You’re out to dinner, and he’s condescending and rude to the food server. It makes you uncomfortable.

He’s often rough with your pet or pets.  He drinks too much, or most activities are around alcohol. 

He likes drugs and has occasionally asked you to participate in drug use.

Whenever something makes you feel uncomfortable, it’s a sign for you to pay attention and acknowledge it.

These are all signs that it’s a relationship you should consider bowing out of.  

It doesn’t always go to physical abuse but had all the potential to get there.

Either way, it’s not a healthy relationship and one to best step out of.

I cover more in the book I wrote, Attract Love at Any Age.         


 If you’d like to see more information like this, please send me an email and let me know. I will be sure to notify you when I publish my articles.

Be great to your magnificent self,
Coach Marlene